Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were revealed today to be among the victims of the News of the World phone hacking scandal. Those of you who have been Bruce Jenner for the past year won’t know what the hacking scandal was, but we’re such kind gossip mongers that we’ll give you all of the juicy details for free…

Once upon a time, there was a historic British newspaper called the News of the World. People from as far as Middle Earth and Heaven used to read this newspaper. One day, not too long ago, the News of the World was involved in a phone hacking scandal. The newspaper collapsed and hundreds of millions of dollars were paid out to the victims. There’s no word on whether a hobbit cried or an angel wept, but we do know that Rupert Murdoch punched someone in the face.

Jude Law, Sienna Miller and Hugh Grant have been linked to the scandal.

The BBC, with its usual gold digging and crying hot potatoes, revealed the startling new revelations about Brangelina. Eight people will face criminal charges in connection with the scandal, including former News International executive and News of the World editor Rebekah Brooks, as well as Andy Coulson, who was once a communications director to Prime Minister David Cameron. These two snoopy bitches were charged with 19 criminal counts, including “conspiring to intercept communications without lawful authority” from October 2000 to August 2006. 600 people have been victimized by the scandal, including a teenager who was kidnapped and later found dead.

Two specific individuals, with a serious Cheaters obsession, were named in connection with the Brangelina hacking and were charged with “suspicion of conspiracy to intercept voicemails”. Former chief reporter Neville Thurlbeck and former assistant editor James Weatherup were revealed as the two naughty journalists.

Rebekah Brooks asserted her innocence through a statement saying, “I am not guilty of these charges. I did not authorise, nor was I aware of, phone hacking under my editorship,” she said. “I will vigorously defend these allegations.”

Rebekah, your name is weird and you seem odd. We don’t like you, whether you guilty or not. We blame name prejudice!